Meredith here – continuing with part two of our (in)fertility journey. If you missed part one, take a moment to read it here!
Counting the days + months
I did mental math all the time. If we were to conceive this month, when would the due date be? When would I be too-pregnant to be able to work? Too soon postpartum to work? Should I be including 2nd shooters in my wedding photography packages just in-case? Should I stop booking weddings, period?
Summer months kept inching along. I became intimately familiar with the agony of the two week wait (TWW). The anxiety of timing something that used to be spontaneous and fun.
Do we keep trying or wait a few months like we thought we would for my work?
We decided to keep trying, and throw the calendar out the window. But still in the back of my mind, I would say “Hey universe! See me prioritizing + not stressing about timing? Now I’ll get pregnant, right?”
Don’t stress. Have fun.
These are phrases I’ve heard over and over. I’ve often considered myself an anxious person, so this of course pushed me to think it was my fault we weren’t conceiving. I was too stressed. I wasn’t taking good enough care of my body. I was eating/drinking too much of this, too little of that. I continued with therapy, and started acupuncture. I meditated and practiced yoga.
But it still wasn’t working.
I peed on sticks. Well, more accurately, I peed into a tiny tupperware, and dipped the stick into the cup, sitting on the floor of our apartment bathroom. I took my temperature every morning to make sure my ovulation was matching up correctly. I didn’t keep up temping for long, because if there is one thing that will surely continue to mess with your head while TTC for months on end, it is making sure the very first thought you have every day is where you are in your cycle.
One day several months in, I got my period. I met up with Kevin at a fancy bar so we could drown our sorrows in $25 cocktails. We had a surprisingly great time, but the next day I was surprisingly hungover. That morning we had a walking mama meet-up for Om Mama. I drug myself out of bed, into the car and drove to Green Lake, hoping to God I wouldn’t throw up on the way over – or once I was there.
Luckily, some of my closest mama friends in our community were there that day. I told them straight up that we’d been trying to conceive for a few months and I got my period the day before, and I was hungover.
They were kind and supportive. I felt heard and understood.
I never thought I would need this community in this way, but they were there for me. I thought I would be pregnant right alongside them, sharing my own stories, but instead I was learning what it looks like to stand by someone dealing with infertility – that someone just happened to be me.
Part 3 appeared inside the Om Mama weekly newsletter – Get on the list here!